I am writing paper after paper dealing with the issue of WHO AM I. Sounds pretty simple, but it really isn't. I am sifting slowly through a quarter life crisis, which I'm sure is not what my professors are anxious to hear. Granted, I don't think this makes me any less qualified to become a therapist, but most people tend to possess differing opinions than myself. We will see. At any rate, I am playing things safe as far as my answers go. Here there is a rather large emphasis on being open and honest, as we (students) are continuously role playing to practice our counseling skills and I guess (of course) being open and honest facilitates the entire process and makes things genuine and real. It's funny because I think I have always considered OPEN and HONEST as interchangeable terms, but lo and behold there is a significant difference. I have been open, to the point of public ridicule (blogging doesn't stop me), about events and facts regarding my life, but I am admittedly wary of sharing the emotional processes that underpin them. This program is going to be a real challenge to my comfort zones and I will have to really dig deep into my FEELINGS and my views on subjects that I tend to avoid, such as....dun dun dun....relationships and love.

I guess the last 5 years of training myself to be an emotional zombie will have to be undone for the sake of furthering my career as a genuine and authentic human being. It's a scary thought. I tend to be cynical and fatalistic about most things, although I prefer to call myself a realist. There isn't much place for that here. It's strange being the only daria in a sea of martha stewarts. I don't really want to conform, but some amount of conformity is necessary and probably psychologically prudent at the end of the day. Anyway, it's very surreal to be a part of something demanding. Undergraduate work was a breeze and so far the work load as a graduate student isn't so intense that I can't deal, but more so the work demands a closer look at my convictions. It's like deconstructing the novel that is me. I feel, but feeling isn't enough. I'm learning to draw a map of each feeling, each insecurity. One of my professors said that once I finish this program, if I could meet myself at the beginning of this program, I wouldn't recognize myself at all. That's also a scary thought. I wonder how things will be when I move back to Jacksonville.....I say this only because I view Jacksonville as a baseline level. Not much changes there and I don't anticipate moving back (even if I only stay for a minute) to find much change at all. So it will all be a very interesting process. Interesting and exciting...as long as I can get used to the role playing,